This month has flown by and I admit I feel a little bit overwhelmed.
I am finally getting what I want in many ways, and yet I am feeling like a failure because I didn’t have time to do a lot of the fun leading-up-to-Christmas stuff that we usually do.
Right now, as I type, I am having a horrible case of the guilts.
I hate guilt. Hate it. It’s useless. It’s as bad as shame. As a matter of fact, Shame can take a flying leap hand-in-hand with Guilt off the tallest cliff they can find. They need to go away. Seriously.
I am doing the best that I can.
What if it isn’t good enough?
It feels like it isn’t good enough, right now, and that – let me tell you – stinks.
I am here with two kids on their first official day off from school. I should (ugh.. Should might need to grab the ankle of Shame as it starts the decent from that cliff.) be doing something fun with my kids.
What am I doing?
I am ruminating about things I cannot change.
I am worrying about something that is beyond late that should have been done in November and of letting people down.
I am wondering when I will figure out how to be in three places at once and make all those places the happiest places ever.
I am being stupid because none of my rumination, worry or wonder can possibly make everything perfect.
AND! OH MY DEAR SWEET LORD! Perfect better be the pilot of the leap from that stOOpid cliff because it is the WORST!
Why do I do this to myself?
I know I am not the only one. I know that this, the most wonderful time of the year, can be a challenge to anyone at any given time. I know people are far from family and want to be near or they are near to family and would love to be anywhere but there.
No one has all the answers.
I know this to be true.
But what I wouldn’t give to be able to control it all.
I would be the merriest of festive fascists, ever!
Everyone would get what they want and need and no one would be without.
Not happiness, or health, or love, or food, or family, or friends, or festivity.
It would be – oh, I hate to say it – perf- NO! I refuse.
It would be ideal.
In the meantime, this is today’s soundtrack.
Now please excuse me, while I continue my annual ugly cry at my desk.
It’s okay. I’ll be fine.
Mr. Rogers was onto something. Crying really does get the sad out of you.
So, tell me, how are you holding up?
I know I am not alone. I never am, really.
Go ahead. Let it out.